Nights ago, while comfortably reposing on a chair and reflecting on the vulgar philosophy of “Early to Rise,” I realized the horrible truth about the single alarm. Not only is the act—waking up early—itself is horrendous, but the means to achieve it—relying on a single alarm—is so destructive it can actually dumb down your mind and your body.
Even though you are likely already pretty dumb if you rely on a single alarm, allow me to further dumb it down for you, so you know how exactly you will lose your remaining single brain cell if you keep committing the crime of waking up early and, worst of all, using one barbaric alarm to do so.
The Peasant’s Panic: Why One Alarm is an Insult to Your Stress Hormones
The single alarm is not a reminder; it is an act of war. It’s a war to destroy your remaining sanity and your already frail body. Literally, according to every sane person, the first alarm—with no backup alarms whatsoever—immediately induces stress and anxiety. When you realize that you don’t have a Plan B, C, D, or even a noble Plan F, and this is your only chance to wake up, the body immediately starts hating you, triggering stress hormones to start destroying your mind. Thus, increasing the number of people suffering from mental health issues.
A Definitive Guide to Becoming a Coffee-Hoarding Wretch
Moreover, your body is also not safe from the catastrophes of a single alarm. The morning shock that forces you to wake up early will keep haunting you throughout the day, turning you into a nagging, coffee-hoarding wretch, finding a lot of trouble.
As the wise philosopher Christopher Morley famously declared in his essay On Laziness:
“Every time we get into trouble it is due to not having been lazy enough.”
So, if you were lazy enough to not wake up early, and smart enough to use the noble Six-Alarm Protocol, you would be the one causing trouble for others, and not the other way around. Remember: If you cause trouble for others, it’s the sign of nobility; if others are causing trouble for you, it’s the sign of you being a weak-ass peasant.
The Single Alarm Shenanigan: Losing Your Noble Traits and Free Will
Even though the above reasons should be enough to dissuade you, believing in your profound stupidity, let me tell you what else you will lose with your single-alarm shenanigans: your free will. That’s right. With a single alarm, experts like me would argue that you don’t even possess noble traits like free will.
How? Simple: If you cannot even ignore one damned alarm, how are you supposed to tackle truly bigger problems and strategically ignore them? If you cannot snooze one single stimulus, how will you ever possess the necessary Strategic Dominance to ignore your brain nagging you to become productive? The single alarm reduces you to the level of a poodle that, albeit cute, cannot go against its own leash. Now you need to decide if you want to be a poodle, or a noble noodle, ignoring everything that life throws at you and don’t bother to make a damned lemonade out of it.
The Cure for Moronic Productivity: Live Longer, Live Lazier
Now you know what disasters a single, not ready to mingle, alarm can cause in your already worthless life. It can not only make you anxious, it can also cause irreparable damage to your body, making you lose your longevity. This is scientifically proven by Christopher Morley when he said that a man is born with limited energy, and if you spend this energy unwisely in your life, you will die young.
The truth is simple: If you want to live longer, live lazy. If you want to die early, live like a productive fool. The choice is yours.
If you chose the latter, Rest in Peace. If you chose the former, there is still hope for you. Because there is one and only one cure to the single alarm shenanigans known to mankind: The Six-Alarm Protocol. It gives you the freedom to sleep more, it gives you assurance that you are being eco-friendly by not doing anything at all, and makes you live longer.
Remember: Nobles do not tackle troubles, they ignore them.
Stay Horizontal!
