The Smelly Truth About Gym
Gym is a place where fake gurus sell the idea of a 6-pack body, a happy, singing brain, and a chalk-like drink that will make you fart a lot. Farts that smell. You not only fart a lot, you also sweat a lot. Thus, you smell a lot.
And you think this makes you attractive and lets you pull all the girls? How dumb can you be? Studies show that the only things a gym rat attracts are flies, soap salesmen (also men, not women), and other gym dudes who also smell a lot. Now if you are gay, good for you.
The rest of you who are straight and surviving on a single cell—that also hates you because of your sweaty daytime running and nighttime obsession with chewing on chicken—you are being scammed.
How Gyms Rob Your Money and Shatter Your Dreams
Imagine you just joined a gym because one of your bulky, idiotic, and single friends told you that you are going to get a lot more girls if you get 6-packs. You accepted his proposal. You went to the gym, emptied your already miserable wallet, and paid $500 for the gym membership. At this point you have already lost your best 2 hours of sleep—that only comes in the morning—your $500, and your will to not be persuaded by the fantasy of beautiful girls. You are officially a loser now.
Now comes your first day at the gym. You are excited that you are going to get popular, get healthier, and seduce everyone with your 5 inches of biceps and 3 inches of triceps. You open the gym door, and all of your fantasies break into pieces at once.
What you see is enough to open your sleepy, black-circled eyes. You don’t see models in the gym. You find a guy named Dave who hasn’t washed his shirt since 2022, an angry middle-aged lady screaming at a yoga mat, and a grandpa jumping up and down with all his life.
Even though this should be enough to drill some sense into you, your wallet yells at you to stay. After all, you robbed it of the only $500 it had. So you stayed and waited for the gym instructor for the instructions. The gym instructor is a large 7-foot guy with boulders instead of shoulders and petite, skinny legs. When you are just trying to digest this asymmetrical beast with toothpick legs, another unexpected happens.
He speaks. His voice doesn’t roar; his voice sings. It doesn’t shake you to the core; it makes you revisit all your fantasies. The voice is thin, melodious and soother than the lady wrestling with the mat.
Now you are at the crossroads. Either start shortening your life with this skinny-legged, 7-foot melodious cylinder, or get back your money and start really living your life by Netflixing and chilling. Because this melodious beast is too ferocious to talk back to, you cannot decide. He makes you jump up and down, lift heavy objects, and this time shake your heart with another form of torture: physical torture.
How Did You Lose Thousands? The Simple Algebra
When you come back home, you are not only tortured physically, but you are also mentally shaken. Completely. You cannot bear this torture and quit after a few days, losing thousands of dollars.
Now some of you dimwitted idiots will ask, “Sir, we only gave 500 dollars to that mermaid of a man; how did we lose thousands?”
To you I say, “Buckle up; let me teach you simple algebra.”
You gave 500 for the gym membership. Then you cannot just barge into the gym in your 50-year-old Cold War sandals. So you bought brand-new Nike Air shoes. You also bought a shiny new tracksuit. After all, you were going to impress the girls. Thus, thousands of dollars went down the drain, just because you were coward enough to not stand for yourself and shut down your idiot friend right off the bat.
There is more: of the total 4 and a half days you went to the gym, you also bought that overpriced chalk-flavored box called protein powder. And chugged it daily for exactly two times a day to get powerful and resistant constipation. You also spent money on the icky boiled chicken, sad-looking broccoli, and the Uber to go to the gym.
So, let’s do the final math. You spent thousands of dollars, lost your precious morning sleep, and survived a week of physical torture with a hint of melody, that also came from a beast. You are not a princess. He is not your beast charming. You went through all this just to end up with a broken heart, an empty wallet, and a stomach full of dry chicken and chalk.
Was it worth it? No. The only person who won was the 7-foot singing mermaid with the toothpick legs who took your money.
What to do this Year?
My advice? Take your Cold War sandals, walk to your bed, and stay there. If you want to lift something, lift a remote control. If you want to attract someone, try having a personality and a bank account instead of a 6-pack and a ‘protein fart’ problem.
The Noble Path is free. The gym is a robbery. Choose wisely and Stay Horizontal!
Hungry for more Enlightenment?
If you want to master the art of doing nothing, check out our other guides to the good life:
- Procrastination: Learn why putting things off is actually a sign of genius.
- The Truth About Alarms: How to sleep soundly and proudly with 6 machines screaming at you.
Read these and you will be enlightened, feel good, and go to bed looking forward to 12 and half hours of sleep.
