“What is a ‘Lazy Bum’?” he asked, trembling from the pressure of my nobility, my profound laziness, and the biting cold.
It was a freezing night in mid-December. Everything had turned a murky shade of white. Cars were smothered in snow and the streets were eerily quiet. Even the commoners were too afraid to use the toilet, for their urine had become a smoke-emitting, sub-zero liquid.
I gracefully picked my nose—the only hard work I intend to do this winter—looked at this miserable fellow, and uttered words that no one had ever heard. He didn’t hear them either. Apparently, I was too quiet.
I then yelled, using the absolute minimum energy I could muster:
“A Lazy Bum is not what you think. Google, ChatGPT, and that 35-year-old heart patient who will be dead within the year because he ‘grinds’ at the gym are all showing you the wrong picture. According to them, a lazy bum is just a person who avoids work and lacks ambition. They use the word to describe someone who sits around all day, delays every task, and prefers to do absolutely nothing rather than be ‘productive.’ Some even say it’s a medical problem where your muscles forget how to move because you sit too much.
Are they right? They are. Are they ‘spitting facts’? They are. Are we going to spit back at them with even more solid facts? Absolutely.
The Ambition Scandal: Why it Takes More ‘Grit’ to Eat Pizza Than to Run a Marathon
They say we have no ambition? Filthy liars. A true Lazy Bum is so burdened by ambition, impossible goals, and the twelve slices of Hawaiian pizza he gobbled last night that he is physically unable to take a single step.
This is what true dedication looks like. Can you finish a large Hawaiian with extra pineapples? No. Because that requires a level of focus, a bottomless hunger, and a primal instinct that tells you if you don’t finish it now, your brother surely will. That is the only ‘race’ worthy of my participation.
The Physics of Inactivity: Traveling at 67,000 MPH from Your Couch
And what’s the point in taking steps, anyway, when the Earth is moving at 67,000 miles per hour? You are still moving even if you are on the couch or lazing in bed. So why waste your energy, your time, and your life when you can travel the universe without taking a single step? That man on the treadmill is sweating to reach 6 miles per hour. I am currently doing 67,000 miles per hour while holding a remote. I am not lazy; I am simply letting the solar system do its job.
If you think sitting all day is the sign of a lazy bum, then every corporate drone, every frantic writer, and every gym owner is a lazy bum. They won’t accept this; we won’t accept them, either. They sit and sit, smashing their heads against keyboards, failing to earn a few measly dollars. We sit and sit, enjoying Netflix, thirteen cans of soda, and last night’s sushi (still edible), rooting for our parents to earn money. At least we are productive and get results. The Japanese restaurant sushi sitting in front of me is proof enough that my method works.
Is Being a Lazy Bum a Disease? The Truth About ‘Gluteal Amnesia’
There is more. I also heard an old, worn-out doctor with an arched back and fiery, bloodshot eyes (definitely from exhaustion) barking that being a ‘lazy bum’ is a disease. It’s a medical problem he called ‘Gluteal Amnesia.’ I call it the epitome of evolution. He says my muscles have forgotten their purpose. I say they have been enlightened. Why would I want a backside that remembers the struggle of standing? My glutes have achieved Nirvana; they have let go of all earthly desires—specifically the desire to walk to the kitchen.
We all strive for peace, rest, and a long holiday on a Hawaiian beach. Idiots work hard for this. I get it for free. Who is more mentally evolved? You decide.
If you think the former, I wish you a happy few remaining days of life. Because with that level of hard work, you aren’t going to live a single day beyond forty. If you think the latter, you are going to live for eternity. Have you ever seen an eighty-year-old jumping and jacking in your neighborhood park? You haven’t. Because people who live longer save their breath, save their actions, and save their lives. An eighty-year-old will always be resting on the couch, resting in bed, or resting in a remote nursing home because his hardworking child has already died—either literally from a heart attack or morally from being an inconsiderate peasant.
Laziness is not a lack of ambition; it is the ultimate expression of dignity, nobility, and grace. You cannot find nobility in the sweaty, sticky, desperate stench of a gym-goer trying to outrun his own mortality. Nobility is found in the stillness. It is found in the peace of doing nothing at all.
After all, the most powerful things in the universe are horizontal: the horizon itself, a sleeping lion, and me on this sofa.
So, if you see me lying down, do not disturb my ‘productivity.’ I am busy traveling at sixty-seven thousand miles per hour, and I simply don’t have the time to deal with people who are going to die in the next few years. I have years to worry about. So I don’t want to worry a lot.
Remember:
Standing up is for servants. Nobility is strictly horizontal.
