There are things you don’t know about a lazy bum. Lots of things.
Let me tell you a few:
Yesterday, I was having my afternoon nap, a vital follow-up to my thoroughly enjoyed 12-hour night sleep—when I was interrupted by a friend. He had suffered an “epiphany.” He claimed he could be “healthy” by starting to exercise.
The suggestion was so intellectually offensive, logically stupid, and morally fraudulent that my blood pressure took a nose dive. It was already crawling, of course, but his stupidity nearly sent me into another sleep. An eternal sleep.
I barely managed to keep my “hot.” I heated up my blood pressure, my shivering hands, and my nose—which was producing copious amounts of icy fluid—by putting a heater in front of me.
Once stabilized, I was ready to educate him. And now you, who don’t know what you can achieve, what you can become, and what you can dream by being a lazy bum.
How Can Being a Lazy Bum Make You Live Longer?
First and foremost, everyone wants to live longer. They want to live longer for their family, for their dreams, and to play more Dota 2 to piss off both their family and destroy their dreams. It’s a beautiful cycle of internal peace and external chaos. Dota gives peace; family, external chaos. Choose wisely.
But how does being lazy let you live longer?
If you take more breaths, you will die early. If your heart beats faster because you were doing jumping jacks while staring at the girls, or you blink faster because you are an idiot—congratulations, you are bankrupting your soul. You will die early.
The Solution: Just Stop
If you want to live longer—not better, mind you, but longer—you must stop doing anything and everything. Just stop.
- If you are walking: Stop.
- If you are running: Shut it down right now. You are leaking years of your life onto the pavement.
The Only Exception: The “Noble” Diet
If you are eating… oh well, keep eating. That’s where I draw the line. You need energy to sleep and to laze around properly. What is better to do after a good night’s sleep and before a good day nap? Eating. So keep eating. Otherwise, just stop.
The Profit of Stillness
Once you have stopped doing everything, you will have a mountain of excess resources:
- Lots of breaths to spare.
- Lots of heartbeats to count.
- Lots of blinks to throw around at girls (from a seated position).
With all these surplus resources, you can live longer and stay horizontal. See? I just resolved the centuries-old problem of how to live longer. It was this easy. You’re welcome.
How Can Being a Lazy Bum Reverse Climate Change?
The second benefit of being a lazy bum is that you are saving the whole earth, the innocent animals, and the productive idiots living in it. Even though they are not worth saving. You still save them. Because it will take a lot of work to kill them. We do not work.
Now you might ask a 10-dollar question: How?
The answer is at once simple and profound.
When you go to the gym, you start panting. You aren’t just “working out”; you are becoming a biological exhaust pipe. You are using up massive amounts of precious oxygen and releasing clouds of CO2. Now, CO2—in case you are an idiot—is not only harmful to human health but also causes polar bears to lose their children because you are melting their glaciers with your smelly breath.
You are the reason the glaciers are crying.
Now compare this disastrous monstrosity to my calm, cool nobility. I don’t pant. Because I condemn exercise. I even condemn walking unless you are dying to go pee.
Recent studies show that if you hold your pee long enough, your testicles will get bigger and can store more pee. My testicles are humongous. I seldom pee. I do not waste a single movement, and only release a fraction of CO2 in air. Thus, no bears dying on my watch.
I am the sole reason glaciers are still surviving.
How Can Being a Lazy Bum Help You Avoid Wars:
Last but not least, being a lazy bum is the only path to global peace. I am the sole reason glaciers are still surviving, and I am the reason you aren’t currently in a trench.
The logic is simple. If you are lazy, you are not going to argue with people. Arguments require vocal projection, hand gestures, and a spike in heart rate—all of which are a waste of my “fixed” biological resources.
The End of Jealousy
You cannot be jealous of people if you aren’t looking at what they have. I don’t care about the neighbor’s new car; I only care about the proximity of my remote. Furthermore, a true Noble Lazy doesn’t hate a country that has more oil. Why would I? I do not need oil. I do not need anything but a cozy couch, a warm bed, and an Extra Large Hawaiian Pizza with double toppings of pineapple.
Just by being a lazy bum, you can be a messiah of all the productive fools. You can enjoy 85 years of pure laziness, avoid wars, and stop climate change.
So be stress-free, do not exercise, and stay Horizontal!
